I am a sucker for a good New Year’s resolution.

I remember when we learned about them in 4th grade, and everyone had to write out 10 things we were committed to doing more of that year. Being 9 years old, there weren’t exactly a lot of bad habits I needed to kick, so mine were all relatively easy and positive

“Say thank you to Mom more”

“Do my homework right after school”

“Compliment others more”

My love of the idea of resolutions soon expanded to an overall obsession with all things Organization. The latest planner, new pens, a binder for each subject in school (all color coded, of course).

“Inevitably, the ability to fix whatever I deemed “wrong” or “lacking organization” with my life wasn’t magically fixed by writing out the to-do list. ”

It seems so easy to jump on the This-Is-The-Year bandwagon when everybody else is. There’s camaraderie, and accountability. There’s the “Good for you!” comments that you leave on someone’s ‘Taking a break from social media’ post. When everybody else is in the same headspace, it seems wrong to not try to ‘do better’, too. It’s the perfect excuse to start fresh. It feels as much apart of the Holiday Season as all the twinkly lights.

But then I would blink, and it would be March. And all those habits? That ‘new-way’ of living? I got too busy early on, too tired, the task lost its zeal, and nobody else seemed to have changed all that much, either. I couldn’t possibly be doing anything new in March, who tries again then? It’s March, the month of Leprechauns, college basketball, snow still, and the monotony of school.

So over the course of January, I would always, slowly fall off the bandwagon, like wading into a lake. Then real life took over. The shame of not sticking to something for once would make it too hard to keep trying. And then yeah, it’s March. And then May, then July… who’s thinking about ‘Resolutions’ from January over Summer break?

2019 Selfie in my childhood bedroom, taken with my brand new camera.

I went nuts on New Year’s resolutions a couple more times (my 2019 list would have you paying for my therapy) before I finally gave up the last 4 years.

I’d had enough of the cycle. No more pressure, no more unrealistic expectations. Just make a goal for something necessary when the inspiration strikes, and forgive the rest, let it all go. Just live. It was the best thing I ever did for myself. Mainly because the number one thing on my resolution’s was always to lose weight or “get in shape”.

What I really needed to resolve was my relationship with my body and to stop worrying about what other people thought. No one had ever said anything negative about how I looked, and even if they did— I truly think I would get so upset that I would rip them a new one. Suddenly I realized, if I wouldn’t let anybody else tell me I looked bad, why on Earth was I saying it to myself?

Slowly but surely, I stopped that, too. And then I got happier, and more forgiving. I finally had the mental bandwidth to understand why I couldn’t stick to a resolution like working out more (ADHD!), and where the resolution came from in the first place (low self-esteem!). I also learned that the stereotypical way of taking up a new habits doesn’t always work for a neurodivergent mind.

Over those Un-Resolutioned years, I just stuck to whatever was most important at the time, whenever it came up. Save up for Paris, Move to New York, Get a Survival Job, Audition More.

Now, as I’ve allowed myself to grow and evolve in my own time, I feel ready for resolutions again. But this time, I’m not thinking about the year 2025. I’m thinking about 2030, and where I want to be 5 years from now.

So, here come the bold statements. Five years from now, when I am 30, I want to be on Broadway, if not on the precipice. (At the very least I want to be making my bag entirely through performance based work). I want to have finally made some of my own music— no less than 2 albums. I want to be living with a spouse in the city, (ideally without roommates, unless it was my sister), and I’d love to have a spare room we use as an office/self-tape/make music type of space. I don’t care how bold or difficult these dreams are.

Thinking about the longterm has helped me focus: What things need to happen this year to stay on track, what I can accomplish throughout the month, and what work I need to do during the week. Somehow, focusing on more than one year, focusing on dreams, not an idea of “who I should be”, is so much more freeing and inspiring than ‘Get In Shape This Year’!

So this year, I’m finally saying Au Revoir to the hybrid New York/Wisconsin life I’ve unintentionally lived. As hard as that will be to do. I’m writing one new song each month— with the intention of simply building the song-writing muscle. It could be the worst, cheesiest song ever written, but that’s okay. I just have to do it. Professionally, I’m focusing my efforts on finding agents, cruise work, producing cabarets, and lots and lots of auditions.

The best part about reframing resolutions? This time around, I’m more excited than I’ve ever been. I’m coming into it with a more patient and gracious mindset. I feel like I’m working to give myself something, not punish myself for simply being who I was, or not being ‘enough’ for imaginary haters.

So, see you in March.

Until the next cup of coffee,

-Ken