Going Big
Thursday
I started my morning at roughly 7:30am, refusing to acknowledge that I had slept in for half an hour. My first class for the day isn’t until 11am, but I’ve come to want for as much time as possible to drink a cup of coffee, read my book, maybe even go for a run, and then get ready for the day.
Starbucks coffee in my Starbucks mug (thank you, Mom), I cracked open my book, Girl, Stop Apologizing, by Rachel Hollis. I just started it this week, and as I’m a newfound fan of Hollis’ work, I try to read only a chapter a day so I can make it last. Today I read the chapter, “I Don’t Have Time”.
This book is all about defining goals and outlines how to achieve them, but the first part of the book is dedicated to highlighting the excuses we tell ourselves when we’re too afraid to really go after what we want.
I’m a pretty goal-oriented person, but my real issue is the follow through. I love to make all these specific plans, outline all the steps necessary to achieving my dream, and maybe even spend some money on unnecessary things I’ve tricked myself into thinking I need to get the job done.
When I was in APUSH for a semester my sophomore year, I spent three whole days writing up a reading schedule for my summer homework assignment. I went out and bought a planner, a nice notebook, tons of flashcards and fun pens… and fell behind on my schedule maybe 4 days in. I barely picked up the book again until August.
Maybe the last 100 times that I’ve decided, “now I’m going to get into shape!”, I downloaded some fitness app, I started wearing my Fitbit again, I think I even bought some yoga pants. I created an ideal—but tough—workout schedule and told myself, “no falling off the bandwagon!”. The issue was I always planned to workout in the mornings before school. By day 5 I’d be too sore and I’d just want to sleep in.
My issue, ironically, is that I dream too big. I’d be so hard on myself, and I’d set some unrealistic goals from the get-go. I’d tell myself, “No giving up! You’ve just gotta go all in and not stop!” But because I didn’t start small and work my way up, I’d crash and burn. Thanks to the inspiration I’ve received from Girl, Stop Apologizing, as well as Girl, Wash Your Face, I’ve learned how to dream big and be realistic. I’ve had to get real, identify my pattern when I’ve given up on myself in the past, and take smaller steps. Not only that, I’ve had to force myself not to down-play what it is that I’m after.
Lately, I’ve been daring myself to dream big—and own it. I have about a million career goals that I feel are too odd, too unexpected to share with the rest of the world. I have about a million more personal goals that stem from embarrassing habits I’ve got to quit, so some of those I definitely want to keep to myself. When I realize that I’m stepping out of the box I’ve built for myself, in even the smallest way, I tend to step right back into it and say “I can keep working on this stuff privately, incase I fail. Then no one has to know I tried something that didn’t pan out.”
I did this when I tried to work out a little, I thought I wasn’t much of a ‘fitness-type’, and I also didn’t want to shed light on the fact that I didn’t love my body image, so I reasoned I should keep it to myself incase I fall off the bandwagon. I did this when I started this blog, I didn’t actually go public with it for a couple of months because I was afraid of what others would think, or I’d loose interest. This isn’t fair, I wasn’t being fair to myself, so I’m going to stop doing that. No matter how ‘realistic’ I am now, I’ll never achieve my dreams if I don’t claim them as mine!
Here’s a couple of the big, weird, unexpected career dreams:
I really, really like comedy. I watch SNL every single week. I know everything about almost every single cast member, past and present. (No, I’m serious.) Someday I want to host an episode. After I watched Marvelous Mrs. Maisel last year, it set me on fire. Every time I’ve had a funny thought ever since, I’ve written it down in a note on my phone. At this point I’ve written enough content to fill a Netflix special (or two. I can talk quite a bit). I don’t know if any of it is actually funny. Someday I want to perform it.
Broadway. That’s an obvious one, you knew that. I’ve gotta claim it anyways though, because sometimes I keep the specifics to myself out of fear of inadvertently placing myself in a competitive atmosphere. The hard truth is, not everyone in show business is nice, and sometimes you can make ‘friends’ you wish you hadn’t. I’ve learned that lesson a couple times, so I’ve kept my specific goals under wraps almost to protect myself. That’s no way to live, I’m not going to hide from what I want. So here it is: I’d love to originate a role, I’d love to play Cathy in The Last Five Years, Veronica in Heathers, Katie in Mean Girls— I think they’re kickass, and you know what? I could do them all today. I also love the classical, golden age theatre stuff, too. I saw One Touch of Venus in Germany this summer, and damnit if I don’t play Venus one day! I’m also obsessed with Julie Andrews’ career. My Fair Lady, Camelot, Cinderella, let me do it, please and thank you. (I want to play everything on Broadway.)
I want to be in a Marvel movie, or a superhero action flick of that caliber. The Marvel movies were one of my biggest obsessions when I was in middle school (and high school (and college)), and if I got to portray a superhero one day— I would cry. I’m gonna do it.
I’d love to act on television. Let me be more specific. I would love to someday play a main or supporting character in a television show produced by Micheal Shur. If you don’t know who that is, you can thank him for The Office, The Good Place, Parks and Rec, Brooklyn 99, Superstore… aka, all of my favorite shows.
Those are just a few that I’ve got on my heart. I’ve also been working a lot on some personal-growth dreams of mine. To me, these ones are the most important ones because I don’t think I’ll ever get where I’m headed (see numbers 1-4) if I don’t work myself out first. It’s the typical stuff; I’d like to get into shape, eat healthier, quit watching so much TV, completely nix my desire to procrastinate (I’m almost there, but old habits die hard).
In general, I’ve had this sense that I’ve kind of disconnected from some of these goals. Thanks to AMDA, I have so much at my disposal to succeed right now—lots of music, lots of rehearsal space, and lots of performance opportunities. In terms of work ethic, I’d say I’m meeting expectations. I come to class prepared, I do what I gotta do, in and out of class, and at the end of the day I go home and get comfy.
But has anyone ever done anything extraordinary by ‘meeting-expectations’? No! The phrase is “Go Big or Go Home”, and here I’ve been going medium, and chilling out. If there’s room for improvement, why not improve?
To quote Rachel, “I understood that the only thing standing between me and my new goal was a willingness to find time for it.” Throughout the whole chapter (that I just read), she spoke about how she managed to pursue her dream of becoming a successful event planner. She interned with wedding planners for a year while working her day job. She sacrificed her comfort and every last drop of free time she had in order to work for these people (FOR FREE) so she could learn about the business and start her own.
Now, she’s a New York Times Bestselling Author and she’s got a multi-million dollar media company, so, I don’t know, I think I’m going to take her advice.
I’ve got some extra time, and I’m gonna use it. Time to go big!
Friday
Woke up at around 8:30, and I had a nice video chat with Chris and his best friend’s, Lincoln and Aiden. I also peed in front of my roommates this morning, and I feel like that’s a real milestone. We’re besties now.
I’ve got my second cup cup of coffee in my hands, and I’m feeling good. Yesterday, I sacrificed a comfortable evening at home after a long class day, and put in extra hours in a studio. I got ahead on an essay that’s due Next Sunday, and I gathered up all my information for a presentation that I’m giving today. In my Makeup, Wardrobe, & Hair class, our midterm assignment is a 5 minute presentation on the fashion trends of a specific era, mine being the Edwardian era. (It’s a good thing I’m such a Downton Abbey fan). I’m now going to make sure that this presentation is flawless, so, go to go big.
Until the next cup of coffee!
Ken
